Loss

A lyric I wrote after miscarrying twice and then finding out that I may not be able to ever have children.

Life Story (Conceive)

I was taught a better way but I fell way off track
My folks fell off first, kids go next, it’s a fact
I was doing mess and things I thought were otherwise wack
But now I’m here I won’t ask for my childhood back
I know I sinned and a baby on the way resulted
And then I lost her, well ya know I felt so insulted
I sinned and sinned again to get the love I missed out on
Paranoid ’bout my boy bein’ faithful, my doubts so strong
Got pregnant again, I was by myself once more
5 months went by, my chocolate baby boy stillborn
What I gotta do to have a love harder than core
Why I gotta feel pain, agony in my heart so raw
Now doc’s been tellin’ me I may never even bear
Can’t try to understand that for no child of mine I can’t care
Or raise up, fuck it if I can’t have kids I’m-a blaze up
Be trashed all day ’til somethin’ worthwhile lifts the haze up
I’m prayin’ to whatever whoever the hell controls life
I pray to bear seeds, to be a wonderful mama and wife
Why my world gotta go down like that, is this for real?
To be able to have kids I’d go to the devil to make a deal_

Goddamn my head hurts, sore like a motherfucker
Sitting, wondering if I can ever be a mother
I know I didn’t get to meet my lil’ girl and her brother
But when I’m ready for a fam I might not bear another
What is this body chemistry that tends to break hearts
What if my partner wants more than false starts?
I can’t deal with this hand, I was dealt the wrong cards
Like I’m an aspiring actress, given all the wrong parts
I don’t wanna shed tears, gotta be stronger than ever
But what do I do if the doctor turns and says never
‘Cause when he says never, I know that means forever
And I have to wait a lifetime to have my fam back together
I’m scared to find out these life changing results
I’m only a young girl, this shit only happens to adults
This could be my punishment if I really believe
That a higher power has taken my ability to conceive_

If this is the worst of life then I give it the lowest rating
Never thought it’d come to this, frantically anticipating
A life story that might not even be able to begin
Can I live? Can I win? I used to be a shoe-in
For me not to be able to carry a kid in my abdominal
It seems real phenomenal that offspring ain’t probable
Is it stoppable that I could ever be baby droppable?
To mother a child is an experience untoppable
I take shit for granted, I’ve got the bad memories
Sometimes I lose my faith and hate is all they let me keep
Alone, let me weep- nightmares flee, let me sleep
For all the sin I’ve sown, the punishment let me reap
But not my lifeline let me continue my life story
I promise I can make it, give another the true glory
Will I be fortunate to bring into this world another?
Will I be woman enough to be the greatest mother?